Pairing: J/C
Rating: M
Length: 4250 words
Setting: Episode addition to 'Equinox'.
Date: September 2008

Chakotay's Personal Log 53409.5

I remember the speech, at first I was thinking that it was Kathryn's way of just making them feel at home: feel right, even to feel part of the family.

I thought that it was normal, Kathryn was finally getting a piece of home, a piece of the Alpha Quadrant.

That was before; before she lost her judgement.

It was also to a certain extent the best day of my life. To this moment though, I'm not sure if it was really the way she felt, really the way she wanted life to be or the way she felt she 'needed to manipulate me' to get me on her side.

I'm not sure our lives will ever be the same, and I'm not sure if Kathryn will ever be the same, but I know she will always be the Captain.

END LOG

"We'll have time to give the newest members of our family a proper welcome in the days ahead; but right now, we've got our hands full. The 'Equinox' is secure, but its primary systems are badly damaged. Harry, B'Elanna, make it your priority. Captain Ransom has provided us with data regarding the alien attacks. Tuvok, Seven, you'll be working with First Officer Maxwell Burke."

Kathryn had at that point raised her glass, and performed a toast. The smile, she gave the smile, the smile that always gave me butterflies, but the mood felt wrong. Something wasn't right: "To kindred spirits. May our journey home together be swift."

She had made the toast and I'm sure that it was in her mind to get the crew together, to make the Equinox crew, part of her crew. To make everything alright, and to make life worth living.

I loved her though, and it was at that moment, when I think back on it that I realized just how 'kindred' the spirits of Janeway and the Equinox crew to a certain extent really were.

I sat back and watched, watched the light in her eyes brighten at the hope that she was finally not alone; that there was finally something to strive for to not let Voyager be alone forever.

And then it started getting worse...

Then the first meeting came, one that was kept out of everything one that was just between her and I. She turned to me on the bridge, "Commander, join me in my ready room?"

I nodded and followed her. I would follow her anywhere, at least until the Equinox incident I thought so. I walked into her ready room and she turned on me.

"Chakotay, they call their Captain by his first name. Their rules are so lax."

"Kathryn..."

"Chakotay can you picture Harry calling me Kathryn? I mean I think he'd die."

Chakotay shook his head. "Kathryn, there are different rules in different setting and different cultural avenues. They have managed to set a very different standard then the one you did. I understand your reluctance, but not everyone is as stuck on Starfleet rules and regulations as you are."

Kathryn shook her head, "I can't believe you just said that. What are you saying that you'd rather be in a place like that then Voyager?"

"That's not what I said Kathryn. You just have to understand that as tolerant as you are, you still have very specific ideas of how humans should behave, and they're not all as able to live by laws and rules as you are."

"Chakotay..."

"For god's sake, you break rules left right and center to care for your crew, but you never, ever went to the point where you'd put Voyager in danger and that's why we all respect and care for you, and support you."

Kathryn nodded, tears in her eyes. "Dismissed Commander."

Chakotay walked out of the ready room and felt his heart sink. Life was not right, something was wrong, but one thing about Kathryn is, she didn't open up or bear her soul to anyone and he was no exception to this rule most of the time.

Then it got a lot worse, Kathryn started to realize that not only was he not the bright, Starfleet Captain that she was, he never would be.

But they were more alike then she wanted to believe.

Then she made the mistake of confronting him. COnfronting the Captain that she refused to believer was like looking in the mirror, that she refused to believe was like her.

She believed she would not step over that line, but she did. I tried to convince her that she couldn't that she shouldn't, but she did anyway.

And what did I get? A trip to the brig.

I remember her telling me about the meeting, how she did realize that Captain Ransom had stepped over that line that all Captains dance on but never cross, maybe they dance on it, maybe they visit it, but they never actually cross it.

Well Kathryn can think what she wants and can dance around the subject all she wants, but that line was crossed and her life and her beliefs were changed.

Janeway's quarters, she began spinning her tale to Chakotay.

Janeway stared unbelieving and unsure at Ransom, "The alien compound. Ten isograms." She held a tiny beaker staring at him, making him see maybe that this was wrong. "If I understand your calculations, that's enough to increase your warp factor by what," she paused and stared into Ransomn's soul, "point zero three percent for one month? Unfortunately that wouldn't get you very far, so you'd need to replenish the supply and that means killing another lifeform, and then another."

She said she'd stopped momentarily at that point, feeling dirty, these were lifeforms... so she said. And then she had told him she'd taken a deep breath and continued.

"How many lives would it take to get you back to the Alpha Quadrant? I think you know the reason we're under attack. These aliens are trying to protect themselves from you."

Chakotay stared at her as she told the story. It had been too long since they had just sat down to have a meal. "Kathryn you can't possibly blame yourself for what this man has done."

Her jaw dropped, "Chakotay, he's a Starfleet Captain. He should never have come to that point."

"Kathryn, fear and lonliness makes people do odd things." He paused, "This isn't your fault anymore than anything that happens beyond your control is."

"Like Seska?"

Chakotay was slack-jawed, that couldn't possibly still be hurting her. "Kathryn, Seska was a mistake, and she's gone. She's over and done with: She's dead, and she will never hurt anyone again."

Janeway shook her head. "She did enough damage Chakotay, she hurt everyone."

What did Seska have to do with anything? It had been a long time since they'd had a conversation. "Kathryn why do I have a feeling this has more to do with you...with us than with Ransom?"

"I let people in and they hurt me, maybe I should build up that 'starfleet armour' as people used to call it, that all Captains should have."

Chakotay reached up and stroked her cheek, "It's not your job to be an armour for the crew, for yourself even -"

She interruped, "I have to be Chakotay. I have to keep everyone out. I have to stop trusting people, if I'm going to get this crew home."

Chakotay chuckled and smiled at her. "Kathryn, that's what we love about you, and that's what we trust about you. Anyone on this crew would die for you Kathryn and all we want is you to be happy."

She stared at him, "You want me to be happy Chakotay, and since New Earth, since Seska, since that moment, I haven't been." She paused, the shielding going up, "I think you need to leave Chakotay."

He left and he wondered about Kathryn's stated of mind. He loved her so much, and some day he would be able to show her.

The came the battles, then came the meeting in the ready room. The meeting he would not forget until the day he died.

He remembered walking into the ready room. "Want your first officer's advice?"

She shielding was up, and he was in for a battle and he knew it. "Allow me. Our deflector's losing power and when it fails, we'll be defenceless. It's Voyager we shoudl be worrying about, not the Equinox."

He wasn't talking to Kathryn, he was talking to 'the Captain' and she had her weapons up. "You'd make a great first officer: it's advice worth taking."

"Maybe so, b ut we have a crew member trapped on that ship."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He was treading thin ice here, but he had to continue. "Is this really about Seven, or is it about Ransom?" Or is it about us, he thought.

If she was a cobra she'd be spitting venom at him right now. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Time for the kill, "You've been known to hold a grudge. This man betrayed Starfleet, he broke the Prime Directive, dishonoured everything you believe in, and threw Voyager to the wolves."

He tilted her head up and forced her to stand to stare at him. "Kathryn, this isn't right and you know it."

He hand came up and slapped him. "Nothing about this situation is right Chaktoay, nothing about Voyager being stuck in the Delta Quadrant is right. Nothing about us being split apart at the seems over stupid things is right." She was angry and Chakotay knew it.

"Then pull up your pants, straighten your shoulders and act like a Starfleet Captain, not a spoiled brat who needs to be listened to."

Kathryn couldn't even form the words to answer that. That's when Chakotay decided it was his cue to leave.

*~*~*~*~*

He was hoping he had gotten through to her. He was hoping that life would go back to the way it had been and possibly even get better; but they found Noah Lessing, and it was then that Kathryn really crossed the line.

Chakotay to a certain extent couldn't help but blame himself, had he pushed her over the line? Then he stood outside the cargo bay with this Captain and best friend, and he knew he'd lost, but he had to get through to her.

He stood in the cargo bay and watched as Kathryn talked to Lessing, crewman Lessing: hoping she would get the information she was looking for by forcing the information out of him.

"I want Ransom's tactical status and I want it now Mister Lessiing."

He looked at her, daring her to take it a step further, "Or what, you'll hit me?"

She sucked in a breath and all Chakotay could think was here she goes. "No, crewman. I'll drop the shields around this room and let your littlel friends come pay you a visit."

"That would be murder."

"You could also call it poetic justice."

Lessing turned his head to Chakotay. Even someone who had just met them could read the chemistry like a book. "I suppose the plan is you're going to come to my rescue nowm, right?"

Chakotay sighed, he wished there had been a plan, he wished she had let him in on what she planned to do. "There's no plan as far as I know. The Captain's on her own." As always, as she thought she would always be.

Janeway piped up spproching Lessing and pushing him back. "Ransom's status now!"

"No way in hell."

She gave up, but Chakotay knew she had a plan forming. "We all make our own hell, Mister Lessing. I hope you enjoy yours. The comm. is active. We'll be outside if you have a change of heart."

She turned and left Chakotay following and trailing... trying to figure out what she had up her sleeve.

When they got outside he turned to her and waited for the other shoe to drop."What are you doing?"

"Weren't you listening?"

He stared at the woman who he used to know like the back of his hand, and knew no longer. Her inner demons had taken over. "Weren't you listening?"

"Don't do this."

"He'll break."

A hail from the bridge interrupted the moment. "Bridge to the Captain. We've lost shields in section twenty-nine alpha."

Janeway answered, her plan being set into motion. "I know. Stand by."

Chakotay turned to Kathryn, "He's a loyal officer. He's not going to betray his Captain. Put up the shields!"

Kathryn stared at him, unwavering in her ideas of right and wrong. "He'll break."

"Captain!"

"As you were." Chakotay wanted to scream that he wasn't a junior officer, and maybe just maybe she should listen to him. That was his job as the First Officer after all.

Chakotay began pushing the buttons trying to gain entrance to the cargo bay, the computers monotone voice gave him the answer, "LEVEL NINE AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED."

"Damn it Kathryn!"

She turned to look at him, her face a mask of neutrality. "You're panicking, he's going to break."

Tuvok's voice broke the spell telling her she had realized her goal. "Captain, a fissure is opening in that section."

Janeway looked unseeingly at Chakotay and then stared at the control panel as if almost re-considering her actions. "Understood."

Chakotay finally had enough, he unlocked the doors using his override codes and went to save Noah Lessing from his Captain and best friend. Chakotay none-too-graciously slammed the officer against the wall. "Okay, you've demonstrated your loyalty to your Captain: Fine now let's talk about the Ankari."

*~*~*~*~*

Later the staff meeting went on, and Chakotay thought he had finally gotten through to Kathryn. Although she was standing in the corner pouting, she let him inform the senior staff of his mission to try and find the Ankari. Maybe, the Captain would let him do his job and finally take a stand for a people who had been punished for actions not of their own doing. He dismissed the senior staff and Kathryn stayed behind, staring at the place her first officer occupied.

"Commander, all right we're goign to try it your way; but I want to make one thing clear -"

"Our first priority is to get Ransom. If there's one thing you've made clear, it's that."

She got closer to him, when she stood that close, he really noticed how much smaller than him, she was. "We've had disagreements Chakotay, but you've never openly opposed me."

He was incredulous, "You almost killed that man today!"

"It was a calculated risk and I took it."

"It was a bad call."

She was getting mad he could tell. She didn't like being opposed and she didn't like her authority being undermined, and that was exactly what he was doing.

"I'll note your objection in my log."

Now his anger flared. "I don't give a damn about your log! This isn't about rules and regulations, its about right and wrong; and I'm warning you, I won't let you cross that line again."

Janeway - the Captain not the woman - walked right up to him. "Then you leave me no choice. You are hereby relieved of duty until further notice."

Chakotay's jaw dropped, as he stared into the eyes of the woman he used to know."What's happened to you Kathryn?"

"I was about to ask you the same question."

They both walked out of the briefing room, Chakotay to lick his wounds and Kathryn to continue her mission.

*~*~*~*~*

Kathryn was angry, not only had she been forced to confine Chakotay to his quarters but she had seen to sad look on Harry's face, the disbelieving shake of Tom's shoulders and the outright almost insubordination of Tuvok. Was she really that far off?

Was she really that far out of her league?

Was she really that wrong?

Kathryn sat in her ready room with her head in her hands, the tears threatening to fall. And what did Seska have to do with any of this? She walked onto the bridge. "Tuvok, you have the bridge, I have something I have to attend to."

No one questioned her, she was after all the Captain. She went to her quarters and ran a bath, she had to calm down. She lay down in the heaven of the bath and lay her head back trying to get the details of the day straight in her head. She heard a muffled sound from the other side of wall, it sounded like banging, what he hell was he doing?

She climbed out of the tub and donned her house coat. Dressed only in the dressing down she went next door and rang the chime. "Whoever it is, go away."

"It's me Chakotay, its cold. I'm only wearing my dressing gown."

Chakotay inside the quarters sighed, "Then I suggest you go back to your quarters and get warm."

Kathryn wouldn't do that. She entered her override codes and walked into the shambles of Chakotay's quarters. "I said go away Kathryn."

"We have to fix this Chakotay."

"I meant it Kathryn, when I said 'what happened to you'."

"We can't do this Chakotay, I need you as a first officer."

"Damn it Kathryn, you can't just go around making unilateral decisions like that. You almost killed that Equinox officer, they're killing innocent lifeforms, I don't agree with what they're doing, but you can't do this. You can't just think you're the be all and end all of life."

"In the Delta Quadrant, on a Starfleet Ship, alone: I have to be."

Chakotay shook his head. "It has nothing to do you having to be alone. You have to let go sometimes, you can't always be in control."

Her rage came out. "I have to be, and who are you to tell me I can't be? Who are you to decide how I should command this ship, who are you?!"

Chakotay's anger came to the forefront, "Who am I? Who are you? Could you not see the disbelieving looks on the officers faces at what you did? Could you not understand their sadness and their dumbfoundedness?" He paused as he forced her to look at him. "What happened to you? When did you become so bitter and so one-sided?"

Kathryn had had enough, she reached up and slapped him.

Chakotay froze, a moment in time taken in and out of context. He looked at her; her jaw was dropped open to almost unbelieving of what she had done. "My god Kathryn, don't make an enemy out of me. If I forced a mutiny right now stating that your state of mind was uncontrollable, I'm betting most of the crew would agree."

Kathryn had lost her foot in the door. She opened her dressing gown and let her lips approach his.

Chakotay let the feelings engulf him and then stopped in his tracks. He pulled away, "It won't work Kathryn, I don't want us to happen like this. I won't let it." He stopped and forced her to look at him, "It might ruin any chance we have of a future."

Kathryn pulled away from him and fastened her gown. "Fuck you Chakotay. I'm offering you what you've always wanted and you're turning me away?"

"I'm not going to fall for this Kathryn, I'm not going to let you use me as a power play."

Kathryn was at a loss. "How dare you talk to me like that?"

"This isn't the Captain and the Commander Kathryn, this is Kathryn and Chakotay, and I'm not going to let you use Chakotay to increase your hold on the Commander."

Kathryn shook her head. "How do you know that this isn't what I want? That I haven't just finally made the decision to let you in?"

He looked her right in the eyes and knew he was correct, "Kathryn, I have served as your first officer for six years, I have seen you use anything to get your way. Tell me did you fall for Kashyk? How about Gath, I know you would do anything to get your crew home Kathryn including sometimes sacrificing yourself. Don't do that to me." He paused, "I won't let you."

She walked towards him, "How about you, you didn't even need a reason to use people: Seska, Riley Fraser, the species 8472, you name it you did it Chakotay.

Or should I say you name 'HER' you did 'HER'."

Now Chakotay was angry, "Kathryn this isn't about our transgressions, we never had a committement to each other and we never let ourselves get to that point, don't do this."

"Chakotay, I need you. It's as simple as that. I need you as my best friend, I need you as my first officer, I just NEED YOU."

Chakotay looked at her, "I really wished you believed that Kathryn, but you don't. As far as 'the captain' is concerned you don't need anyone."

She put her head down and he could see the tears threatening. "That's where you're wrong Chakotay. Even though I don't admit it, I need you, I need that friendship, I need that love. Seska hurt me, and even though I know I didn't have a right to feel that way, it felt like betrayal."

Chakotay didn't know what to say. "I never betrayed you, you never gave any indication that that was what you wanted."

She sighed, "Then maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do, maybe you never did." She turned around and walked out of his quarters.

*~*~*~*~*

I sat in my quarters and stared at the wall. Was this Kathryn holding out an olive branch? Was this Kathryn's version of professing her love? What do I do?

He went to visit the spirit realm. "Acoocheemoya, we are far from the lands of our people, we are far from the bones of our ancestors..."

He opened his eyes and found himself in a wooded area that resembled New Earth more than he cared to admit. He looked around and there she stood, in all her womanly glory. She stared at him and then ran away, all of a sudden the glade was dark and she was nowhere to be found. His father approached, "She needs you son, and you need her. Make her see, she is not alone and she doesn't have to act or make all the decisions by herself."

"But father, I'm not sure I can help her, she stepped over the line."

"Chakotay, you have to. You're nothing without her, and she's nothing without you. Whether you want to admit it or not, you live for each other." He looked down at his hands, "She loves you and you love her and if you don't get over your differences, my granddaughter will never be born."

Chakotay woke up in his quarters: alone.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here, what is it Chakotay?"

"Can I come see you, we have stuff we need to work out."

He heard Kathryn sigh over the line. "I really don't have the energy to fight with you anymore Chakotay. We've said what we needed to say, you've told me you don't want me, I don't want to fight you."

Chakotay sighed, "Just let me help you Kathryn, I know I can."

She paused, the wait seemed like it lasted forever, "Fine. But one wrong move and I'm sending you home."

"Agreed."

And she cut the line.

*~*~*~*~*

I walked to her quarters and found them unlocked. I let myself in and she fell into my arms. "Oh god, Chakotay, I almost lost you and all over the bad decisions of another Star Trek Captain." She cried, "Oh god Chakotay I need more. I need my friend, I need to love and be loved, I need to stop myself from being the all-consuming Captain, I need -"

He rubbed her back. "Kathryn I can help you, but if you ever, ever let this happen again. I won't be so lenient on you."

She looked up and nodded and her lips approached his, this time he let it happen. This time he let her in, this time he knew it would be fine.

*~*~*~*~*

Three days later:

"How's the crew?"

"A lot of frayed neves. Neelix is organizing a potlock to help boost morale."

"Will I see you there?"

"I'm replicating the salad."

"I'll bring the croutons. Chakotay, you know you may have had good reason to stage a little mutiny of your own." Chakotay looked up at her, he knew there was a private joke, a private moment in that comment somewhere.

There was a smile in his voice, "The thought had occurred to me, but that would have been crossing the line."

Kathryn thought about how many lines had been crossed the previous night, someone on this crew had finally had the balls to break through her barrier and put her in her place. She turned to look at the wall where the plaque commemorating Voyager had always been: "Will you look at that. All these years, all these battles, this thing had never fallen down before."

I looked at her, "Let's put it back where it belongs."

I knew that phrase held so many other meanings, so many words about so many things. I knew, life would be okay.

THE END